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NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
by Paula R. Schild, Ph. D.
As I mentioned in my last column, the New Year can bring as much stress
as the holidays. We might have managed to make it through the
holidays by just “hanging in there,” but then there’s always a
let down after the build up to an event—the “big” day. Maybe the
kids tore through their gifts, played with them for half a day, and
then proclaimed that they were bored. Or maybe you had the entire
extended family over for a holiday meal and had a huge fight with your
sister (or brother or mother) that seemed to come “out of
nowhere.” Even if your holidays were relatively calm and
pleasant, when everything is over, there often is an “is that all there
is?” feeling.
The New Year comes with the pressure of making resolutions that are
unrealistic for many of us (e.g., losing the proverbial 10 pounds,
being a better parent/spouse/friend, making some “big” change in the
next year). Because of such resolutions is that we often set
ourselves up for failure without even realizing it. The best way
to create change in our lives, whether emotional, physical, or
spiritual is one small, realistic step at a time. For example:
- Instead
of vowing to lose 10 (or whatever the number is) pounds, look at small,
easy-to-achieve things that you can do daily. Such as, cut out
one “treat” or “sweet” a week. Once you’ve accomplished that,
then maybe increase that to two, etc.
- Instead
of joining a new gym (especially if you’ve never done this before), buy
a punch card for the local rec center and begin going a couple of times
a week, not every day. Increase the amount or number of time(s)
when you are in a solid routine.
- Instead
of vowing to be a “better” person (which sounds good but is vague and
hard to measure progress with), try saying something positive to your
child/spouse/friend each day or time you see them. John Gottman,
a psychologist who has studied what makes some marriages more lasting
and successful than others for over 25 years, has found that successful
couples say three positive things for every negative one. Many of
us don’t realize how negative our communication is with loved ones
(e.g., don’t do this, you didn’t do that, why can’t you…).
- But
saying three positive for every negative statement is difficult to do
on a regular basis. Begin by saying one positive thing to your
loved ones every day. And as that becomes routine, then increase
them. At first, it can seem hard to come up with positive
statements, but almost any potentially negative statement can be
reframed positively. For example, if your daughter does the
dishes, but doesn’t wipe down the counters or wash the sink (a
idiosyncratic pet peeve of mine), instead of pointing out what she
hasn’t done, thank her for doing the dishes.
- Write
down your goals or resolutions. There’s real power in seeing
something on paper—once it’s written, energy has already gone towards
making it happen!
- Finally,
share your resolutions with family and friends. We all need
encouragement and support to realize our goals.
Above all,
resolve in the New Year to be kind and gentle with yourself.
A special note to stepmoms: remember that you are the most
important asset to your spouse, kids, and stepkids. Resolve to
carve out time in every day, if only for 15 minutes, to do something
restorative for yourself (e.g., meditating, a walk, reading, etc.).
Paula Schild
is a licensed psychotherapist in Boulder, a mother, and a Moxie Moms
partner.
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